Cancer SUCKS !

Today, I found out that one of my best friends has been told that she's terminal, and that this will be the last Christmas she spends with her children.

We are on opposite sides of the country now, since I moved, and it's not easy for me to get to her.  She's one of the most incredible women I know, and is young enough to be my daughter.  She's my son's best friends mom, and my kids adore her.  She's like a second mom to them.

I am in shock, we've known that she had one form of cancer, and had been dealing with it, when she noticed something on her back, that she didn't like.  When she saw her oncologist, they were desperate to try and get it removed and biopsied as soon as possible.  She told me today that the doctor has told her that it's terminal, and they aren't sure that there is going to be a way to stop/cure/delay the inevitable.

She's young, she's beautiful and has both a beautiful heart, and a beautiful spirit.  She truly has her whole life ahead of her, and the life of her children.  I know that Cancer doesn't know age, or what your family life is like, and I know that there have been others before her, but I can't help but feel horrible.  I'm too far away, and feel helpless.  She has an incredible support network, and I'm sure that right now, we're all in shock.

I lost my mom at 13, and I can only imagine the emotions that are flooding my friend right now.  I wish I was there, to give her a hug, and help her ... but right now, all I can do, is pray .. and hope that the doctors are wrong.  So many of us love her, and need her around.

I have had a friend go through this, and beat it, and is thankfully healthy once again, she knows who she is, and I felt just as bad when I found out about her.  Life is so unfair sometimes.  I remember my friend saying in her own blog, just the other day, there are 2 types of Cancer Patients, those that give up and those that fight (or something to that effect) .. I am praying that my friend has the strength to be the type that fights.  We aren't done having her around, and both her children need her.

Today, I'm ending with a prayer, I'm not sure when I'll be up to writing here again ..

Dear Lord, please take my friend in your arms, and help give her the strength to fight this Cancer.  She needs you right now, to show her that she can't just give up, because that's what the doctor says.  She needs the strength, inside her, to fight.  She's so sad right now, so devastated, and so emotional.  Help her see the hope for her future, and help her to fight to get there.  We are all on our knees, begging you to help her, and her doctors during this time.

In Jesus name I pray, AMEN

What are you thankful for ?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and it's amazing what some people are thankful for.

I just want to wish everyone, a safe and happy holiday.

I am thankful for:

My life, there are so many people struggling to stay alive
The food on my table, it may not be fancy, but it's food
The air that I breathe is clean, and not filled with pollution
The roof over my head, it's not mine, but it is a home filled with love
The arms that hold me at night, are those of my incredible husband
The sound of my daughter's voice, singing to me at night
The sound of my son's voice, sharing his day with me
The sound of my step son's voices telling me they love me

and most of all, I am thankful to God for waking me up each day.

Things that make you wonder ...

Life can be crazy, and hard, and heart wrenching all at the same time.  Our cat passed away yesterday, and while it's the first time my husband has dealt with the loss of a pet, it's not mine.  She was only in my life for a year, but I loved her just the same.

I've always had pets in my life, as have my children.  I remember when my son turned 6 and wanted a Hamster, because one of his friends has got one.  At the time, my ex and I were still together, and we had 4 cats.  I tried to explain (as best I could) that getting one was maybe not the best choice of pet, considering the hamster/cat ratio in the house.  But, after numerous discussions, all leading to me being the worst mom in the world, because I wouldn't 'let' him get the hamster, I chose to teach him an even bigger lesson, "Responsibility".  My son got the hamster, and as we thought, it got out of his cage, and well, you know what happened.  Finally, after the 3rd hamster, he decided he wanted another cat.  Having to learn about the death of a pet, at such an early age, taught him something I'd never even realized, until just recently.

Over the past 2 years, my kids lost 2 of our cats.  Both had to be put to sleep, because of health issues, one, had a stroke during the night, (mild although devastating) and my son found him.  He quietly woke me up and said, mommy, the cat is really sick, and I don't want my sister to find him.  (He was 8 at the time, and she was 5).  So, mommy gets up, and sure enough, I have to call their father to come down and 'deal' with things, because I emotionally couldn't.  I felt a crack in my heart.  I had that cat since he was a baby .. before the children came along, during happier times with my ex-husband, and before life got complicated and out of control.

3 months later, my other cat had to be taken to the vet, and I had to put her down.  Again, I was heartbroken, but this time, my son sat on the couch with me, as if he was a teenager, and said ... "Mom, it's okay to cry, I now you loved the cat, but sometimes, they are just too sick to stay our pets".  What an incredible young man.

So, back to the original reason for this post, my (new) husband's cat passed away yesterday, and he cried.  I told him "I know how you feel" but the one thing that brought me solace, was that she had been sick .. and it reminded me of what my son said to me almost 2 years ago, and THAT made me cry.

Our children are incredible humans, if given the tools, and the encouragement to become all that they are meant to be.  I am proud of my children, and my step children.  Each of them have their own skills, and abilities.  Between us, my husband and I have 6 children, and I love every single one of them ...

Have a great day, I need to go wipe some tears.

Consequences

Decisions, are always followed up with consequences.

I would love to be able to say that my life hasn't had consequences, for decisions, and choices I've made, but then again, I'd be lying to you, and to myself.  Life is full of choices, decisions, and consequences.  I heard a story today, about someone who got themselves into a situation because they offered to help someone.  It's hard when you find yourself stuck, in a situation you don't want to be in, but you did it for the right reasons.

Is there such a thing as 'Karma' or are they just lessons to be learned ?

I have another friend, who is helping a family, she doesn't even know, make sure this woman has gifts for her children for Christmas.  That is the true spirit of the season, don't you think ?

I am a firm believer that it's better to give then receive.  I am a giving person by nature, and the first one to try and help someone, in any way I can, if it's possible.  I have been a helper, and been helped.  Without some of the people in my life, who have helped me, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I believe in paying it forward, and it's something I try to do every day.

Paying it forward, is one of the most selfless acts you can do ... but you have to do it for the right reasons, in my opinion, and do it, because you're willing to risk it all, to help another.  Things happen, and situations are messy, but at the same time, the only thing you can do, is your best.  We all have disappointments in life, but the one thing I can say, is that I am the person I am, because of the people around me.

Have a great day,

Remembrance Day

Today is a day to remember, those that have served your country.  Ones that have given the ultimate sacrifice and given their lives, or the life they had, so that we can all enjoy the freedom that we do.

Take time out today, to reflect.  I lost my great grandfather in Siberia, during the war.  Never met him, but heard stories of my family heritage, that came from Poland during some horrible times.  One thing I pray, is that our children never have to face some of the war that our forefathers have faced, or that some of our military are facing right now.

My wish is for a world of Peace, Acceptance, and Tolerance.  In today's world, there isn't enough of any of that.  People are quick to judge, without knowing the facts, and easy to turn their backs on people who are in need.  I was reading an article the other day, about Soldiers in the USA who have come home from combat to no home, and end up on the street, because of the trauma they have experienced.  I know the article is old, but I can't help but think that it hasn't changed much.  It breaks my heart to know that someone who has given their life, to ensure our safety, is homeless, and jobless.  You can see the article (from 2008) right here http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/11/08/homeless.veterans/.

Have a great day everyone.

The move

As some know, I talked about us relocating.  Well, I've been away this past week because I was getting us ready to do just that.  We spent the day travelling, and ended up at our destination 12 hours later.  A little tired, and a little cramped from being on planes, but we did it.

I can't begin to tell you how big of a move this was for us.  It's the first time, in 15 years my husband has flown, and needless to say, he was apprehensive about flying.  It's the first time he's ever lived outside of his home state, and he is scared, and nervous I'm sure.  I'm so proud of him.  I know it was very hard for him to leave everything he's ever known, and how hard it must have been for him to decide that this is what's best for US as a family.

It opens up so many doors for us, financially, socially, and most of all as a family.  We will be in a better place in our lives, this time next year, and I can't wait for us to get our own place, and finally make it feel like the home we all deserve.  Too many times, there are obstacles put in our way, to test our resilience and see just how much we want something.  I knew a year ago, when I decided to move the first time, to begin our lives together, that there was going to be nothing that would stop us.  This week proved it.

We lived through the hurricane, and watched nothing but devastation around us.  Yesterday, we left New York for the last time.  We still have family (his) there, and we have a wedding to go back there for next summer, but, we've left.  I'm sure the ghosts, and demons from the past, realized that, when we got on the first plane yesterday.  We got on, and never looked back.

Life is about challenges, and about just how bad you want something.  I've always said that regardless of the situation, everything happens for a reason.  We may not always understand the reason for some challenges, but as long as you realize, that in the end ... there is nothing that will stop you from living your dreams.  I am just beginning, and I can assure you, that this time next year, the dream will be a reality

I'm off to rest, it's exhausting going from one side of the country to the other.

Rain, Rain go away

Another day, and another post.

I'm not sure if anyone reads these, I know I have one friend who is following me, and I love her for it.  I don't even really worry about others reading it, it just helps me to have somewhere that I can 'vent' where nobody really knows who I am ... does that make sense ?

I don't need popularity, and yes, I know that's what blogging is all about, but there are times, when all you need to do is vent.

It's raining here, and it suits my mood.  Going back to bed sounds like a great idea today.

Once again life changes ...

Once again life is changing.

I just wish things would slow down once in a while, and work for us, instead of against us.  It is so hard to try and move forward from things, when there is always something to hold you back.  For me, it's fear of the unknown, but not on my part, as much as my husbands.  We are relocating and it will take him away from where he's grown up, but the job opportunities are better for both of us in another state.

I know how scary it can be, but he is still hiding his emotions and feelings from everyone around him.  I made a huge move a year ago, and understand how hard it is, but I did it.  He's having a very hard time, and with me especially, it's frustrating.  I love him, but wish that right now, things were different.

I get that he's scared, and even apprehensive, but we can't continue the way things are right now.  I worry that this could truly destroy us, in a way that I don't know if it will ever be able to be fixed.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a "doer" and that I don't accept it when people are unable to do what they say they are going to, simply because they can't be 'bothered" .. right now, he's slowly falling into a depression, and while I can understand his fears are what's driving him there, I can't help but feel a little selfish, and want to get mad at him, and yell that he's not  the only one moving, and changing their life.

Men can be so difficult sometimes, if only he believed in himself, the way I do .. I try all the time, to encourage him, and help him feel better about himself, but that doesn't seem to help.

Cause and Affect

I haven't been good the last few days, or this week for that matter.  It's been one of those weeks, where you contemplate, and reflect.  I have been reflecting on choices made, decisions, friends lost, and have realized that everything happens for a reason.

I have used that term, so many times, and I truly believe it .. but what happens when the internal demons that we all struggle to keep quiet end up creeping in and the self doubt starts.  I have been doing that now all week, struggling with that little voice in my head, that keeps doing nothing but bring negativity into my mind.  I have known, since I was young, about cause and affect.  I have taught my children about cause and affect, but what do we do, when it's the adults that are in our lives, that just don't understand.  How do you 'teach' someone who has never been taught ?  Someone who 'assumes' that there is no cause / affect, no ramifications, no consequences, that with a simple "I'm sorry" they assume the world is perfect once again ?

I heard a story, from a good friend of mine, about her (then) Boyfriend, and it reminded me that as adults, we sometimes forget some of the basic things our parents try to teach us as children. Here's the story;

He had gone out with his friends for the night, and had told her it would just be a 'couple of hours' after work.  She was tired, and really wanted a quiet night in, so she told him to have fun, and she'd see him when he got home.  Hours pass, and she doesn't hear from him.  She tries to send him a text message, no answer.  He calls and says, he's going to be home 'soon'.  Hours pass, and pass, and he's not home.  She tries to text him again, no answer.  She starts to worry, she calls her sister and tells her that she's scared that something is wrong, or that he's in danger.  It's now 3 A.M. and she still hasn't heard from him, she goes to bed.  He calls her at 5 A.M. and tells her he's on his way home, that he got drunk, and passed out at a buddy's place, and was 'too drunk' to let her know.

Here is her question to me ...

What do I do ?  She is hurt, that he never called, but glad he's home ...

Baby Steps

One of the biggest obstacles in our lives, is the approval seeking process we go through as children.  We spend most of our formative years, wanting approval, for everything from learning to walk, to our friends, and the way we act in public with others.

I have always prided myself with my ability to 'behave' in public (so to speak) and I have tried to teach my children the same thing, and I pride myself on the comments I get, from others, about my children when they are out.  I have tried to teach them what is acceptable, and what isn't, which brings me to today's post ....

I have seen all types of behavior, being a child care provider, and a parent.  You see that child in Walmart having a temper tantrum, and the first thing you say is " OMG look at how they are behaving ".  I have realized that it's not always the child's fault on how they behave, because they don't 'understand' the consequences of their actions.  We, as parents are supposed to be teaching our children what's acceptable, and what isn't.

I have been in situations where I would love to go out, but my child isn't feeling well, or they are tired.  What do you do ?  Do you risk the all mighty 'melt down' in the store, because you KNOW that your child is tired, or do you let them nap, and then go out ?  I've done both, and let me tell you, I've learned one thing in the past (almost) 11 years ... Groceries will wait, shopping will wait, but our children grow up way too fast.

Cherish your children, have a great day.

Decisions ...

Life has always been about decisions, what is right and what is wrong, is in the eye of the person making the choices in their life.

We have all had to make those difficult choices in our life, and as we get older, the choices, instead of getting easier, actually get more difficult.

It used to be about what to wear to school, to be considered 'cool' to our friends, and then it was about what boy we'd like, who we would have has friends, and finally what we want to be when we grow up.

I always wanted to be a nurse, a care giver, and someone who helped others.

Those dreams were dashed long ago, and I chose a different path, one of trials and tribulations, of choices yet to be made.  Was it the right thing to do?  Nobody knows, but God (or whatever higher power you believe in) because in the end, we aren't even in control.  Obstacles are put in our path, as a test, to see how strong, and resilient we are.

I'm just as guilty as the next person, of questioning the choices I've made in my life, were they the right ones, I guess only time will tell ?

What about you, are there choices you've made in your life, that you wish you could change ?

I thought it was time

I thought it was time, to get back to me, and doing what I love doing the most.  Besides being a wife, and mother, and friend, I love to write.

I've been writing for years, and hit the same wall that many writers hit from time to time ~ LIFE~ but I think I'm ready, once again to share some of my innermost thoughts and stories with you, and share the ups and downs, and everything in between.

All my stories are true, and factual, shared between friends, some of them are mine, and some aren't.

They are musings, at best, and meaningless to many, but for me, it's therapy.

I will be sharing many things here, this is my outlet.

Thanks for stopping by,

Me